Love is a battle… battle… battle-something.
I walked past a pigeon trying to eat a ball of plastic wrap today. The toxic orb was twice the size of the pigeon’s head and there was no way the bird could have consumed it. On the off-chance that it would figure out how to chow down on something that would surely be its death, I turned around and said “Stop. Stop trying to eat the plastic.” The pigeon didn’t listen, but a lady headed in the opposite direction heard. She did not turn around and tell me to stop. I’m a pigeon, baby, and the world is my ball of plastic. She already knew that.
“I’ve been in bad places that I’d rather not talk about, I’ve been in good places that you’d rather not hear about, but right now I’m in a strange one. It’s not bad, it’s not good—which is great. When things are going well, you wonder when that will end. When things are going poorly, you wonder when it will all end. When something isn’t bad or good, it just is.”
Some guy taps the glass twice and says to his companion:
“The clouds don’t look any fluffier, but they also aren’t gray. They’re still there, but now I can see the sky.”
Some guy’s companion rolls over.
A true New Yorker never tells a barista their order. We simply point at what we don’t want and say “fuhgeddaboudit” until only one option remains.
Everyone knows true New Yorkers fold their pizza, but only true New Yorkers know that when no one is looking, we unfold our pizza and roll it into a much more difficult to manage ball, thus matching our true New York personalities.
It’s called “the city that doesn’t sleep” for a reason. The reason being we were all too busy sleeping to come up with something better. If you can make it here, it’s because you got at least eight hours of sleep last night.
Two words, semi-unlimited options: Port Authority.
Become a true New Yorker:
Watch a few of those ads that play in the back of a taxi and pretty much just guess from there.
Check out my latest for mental_floss:
“If you’ve ever seen a cat wiggling around in its sleep, or come across three different-sized beds after eating porridge in a bear family’s inexplicably furnished home, you’ve probably wondered if animals are capable of dreaming. Theirs might not involve Beyonce, your third grade classroom, and a radiator that turns into a snake for some reason like yours do, but some animals do have dreams…”