10 Superficial Reasons to Vote

1. You’ll have to put pants on.
If you didn’t already have to, let’s face it, you weren’t going to. Now you have a reason to do something with your day, other than the fact that they’re finite and becoming more fleeting by the day.

2. You’ll get complimented.
Most of the people volunteering at polling places are elderly women. No one compliments others like a sweet old lady. Outside of those who want money from you, they’re the only creatures on Earth that will call you handsome just for being alive.

3. You’ll have something to talk to strangers about.
“Who are you voting for?” might be off limits, but if a fellow patriot catches your eye, you can talk to them about the length of the line, what the elementary school gym you’re in smells like, or why you suck at speaking to women.

4. You’ll have something to talk to your parents about.
Take advantage of one of the few times you’ll actually have an answer to “How was your day?” Your day was great, you got to suggest to the Electoral College who they should pick to be president. Not as cool as picking a president on your own, but it still beats whatever it is you do that elicits a “Good.” This time, who you voted for is definitely off limits. If you ever want them to call back that is. I suppose that’s up to you.

5. You’ll get to avoid working out.
Putting an entire nation on your back, as well as all of those in other countries who’d stop at nothing just to be able to vote? That’s like 10 sets of whatever workout that screaming guy in the Affliction t-shirt does.

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