Awkward Romance Novel Excerpts [Click for full article]

“I’m into weird stuff,” Juanita said.

I nod, doing my best to conceal my confusion and the grease stain obtained during a pre-date pizza run. How I longed for the time when “Am I eating too much bread?” was the only question I was trying to avoid.

“Like, really weird stuff.”

“Cool,” I said before giving in and asking her what exactly she meant by “weird stuff.”

“Have you ever heard of S&M?” she breathed into my ear.

“Is that the sexy M&M?” I joked. Of course I had heard of that. It’s the… I knew what it is. I leaned in to tell her about the crush I had on the melt-in-your-mouth lady in green when I was a kid, but the diet Dr. Pepper was cascading off the table before I could get the words “Well, um” out of my mouth.

My eyes parted with her heaving breasts, but by the time I returned with toilet paper to clean up the spill she was gone. The diner was out of paper towels, and I was out of luck.

I returned to my apartment and AltaVista-ed my should-have-been lover’s word of the day to make sure I definitely knew what it was and, sure enough, I totally did. To celebrate, and get the image of the lady in that weird leather thing out of my head, I thought about an old friend and melted in my hand.

“I guess I am into weird stuff,” I thought before sending my dear Juanita a text saying just that. [Keep Reading]

My latest article for CollegeHumor. I think the best thing I can say about it is that I’m proud of how not proud I am of it.