When did baseball players start chewing sunflower seeds? I found out. Your life begins now (assuming you read the third sentence of this post after the article for some reason).

My Predictions for the 2013 NFL Season

Super Bowl Champion: The all too fleeting feeling that you’re not alone.

MVP: Beer.

Please support my inexplicable campaign to play catch with World Series champion Homer Bush while we both wear Campbell’s Soup t-shirts.

ALCS Game 1: New York Yankees vs. Detroit Tigers, Yankee Stadium, October 13, 2012

Bottom of the First Inning:
-I missed the first half of the inning because I was waiting for my phone to charge in my room. It had 98% battery life when I heard the game come on in the den, but I wanted to wait until it reached 99%. I gave up on that when Derek Jeter stepped to the plate. I want to say I’m wise enough to know that this will have no effect on the game, but if the Yankees lose, I definitely won’t feel great about it. At the very least, my phone will have 1% less juice, should someone ask me to do something that doesn’t involve my apartment. I’m reluctant to say that will happen, but if I do go out, I’d like to be able to check the score, Twitter, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Twitter, email, and Instagram.

Baseball is Boring

Baseball is boring. You don’t have to tell me twice. It takes too long, involves too much strategy, and doesn’t have enough action. No one has a “World Series” party. Which game would you have it—and who would show up? People don’t put baseball on at Thanksgiving when they don’t feel like talking to their relatives. Even if it was in season, they just wouldn’t do it—it’s too uneventful. Without bone-crushing tackles and cheerleaders, how are you going to keep Uncle Frank and his thoughts on why women can’t be president in the living room and away from the ham? Only the closest of friends could feel comfortable sitting in silence while some guy throws a ball and even more guys stand around. Simply getting up from the couch to answer the door could result in one missing a rare instance of something sort of exciting happening. “Sort of” being an important phrase. “America’s Pastime” is so mundane, even radio can do it justice. That’s right, you can take in a game via a medium capable of enjoyed with your eyes closed, head down, and body horizontal.

Baseball is boring and, therefore, the best.

If you care about justice, me, or anything, please LIKE the bikini basketball league Joe Veix and I started when an already existing one denied us our basic human rights to be paid to get crowds “amped” and shoot t-shirts at them.

My application to become LeBron James’ wingman.